Maybe Next Time...

Here's another hard, emotional, from the heart post.

I feel I (we) have fully processed having a miscarriage (I mean come on it's been over 4 months- click here to catch up), however there are some days harder than others.  Don't think I sit around completely depressed, lingering in the past I don't.  It's actually opposite, I have learned a lot and enjoy what God has blessed us with.  Most days it doesn't even cross my mind, but sometimes it does and it creates so many questions.  Questions I may never have answers to.

The last week or so I haven't felt normal (last time that happened I had a kidney infection & found out I was preggers with Brynnen) needless to say Friday I took a pregnancy test.  Negative.  Ugh, I don't like that word.  Even reading that word makes me cringe.  Negative.  Such a cold reminder of No, Not You, Nothing in There.  Couldn't they change it to "Maybe Next Time," that might not sting as bad.  Why does it even sting? We have complete faith God will provide when HE is ready, or maybe when We are ready- I don't mean physical time frame, I mean HE knows us better than we know ourselves.  He knows what we don't.  Maybe something crazy is going to happen on our Guatemala trip and if we had a child(or I was pregnant) we wouldn't fully be used.  Maybe not.  Maybe later down the road I will look back and see the big picture and say "Ah-ha!"  Maybe not.  Maybe God is creating a desire so great that if I have a "hard" pregnancy it won't even matter.  Maybe not.  Maybe I'm only meant to physically have 1 child.  Maybe not, but maybe....

So Saturday (after the "maybe next time" Friday) Stephen and I were out running errands.  I can't even recall what we were talking about, but I spurted out "It's just so hard sometimes."  Confused he asked what I was talking about, I have a tendency to forget not everyone hears what's in my head....So I shared what I had never shared before. I tried so hard not to cry.  Even now I can't help it.  "The hardest part for me isn't physically losing the baby.  It's reading the test and only seeing 1 line where before I saw 2."  Seeing a negative where there once was a positive.  I was pregnant, now I'm not.  I had child #2 inside, now I don't.  Man, sometimes I look at those tests so hard, I have to just put it in the trash & walk away, "Maybe Next Time."

As soon as I told Stephen all that, God was SO compassionate and flooded my mind with so many things that are perfect in our life for only one child.  A few being: our house, our business, our travel schedule, our college ministry,  exercising, and especially my time.  Yes all of these things will easily adapt to more than one child (many moms do these and more with multiple kids), but all that to say...we are right where we need to be.  He (God) is working on my heart, developing perseverance.  "Perseverance that must finish it's work so I may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything", at least that's what James 1:3-4 tells me :) 

Continued prayer is appreciated.  I'm so glad I will have these to read, or share with others, in the future if I ever need to.  :)

 This song is perfect.  Kari Jobe "You are for Me"