Friday, March 17th, I was cleaning and found the left over pregnancy tests from the week before. Not sure why, but I decide I should take it. I mean let's review my history, we know why...This time was different. Previously I would try not to look at the test after I took it, hoping for the best- knowing I would be wrong. I guess this time I thought I had nothing to lose, so I watched it the whole time. Slowly I saw a faint + appear. I closed my eyes tight, and reopened them, trying to make sure I was seeing correctly. OH. MY. WORD. I immediately snatched the last unopened test I had, and placed it side by side with the other one to compare. OH. MY. WORD. It was positive!! AHHHHH!! Stephen had literally just gotten home, so I ran out trying to contain my excitement. He came in and confirmed I wasn't crazy- the test was positive!!! I wanted to take the other test right then, but
I could hardly sleep, so anxious for morning to come so I could take that other test. Not believing it. In awe of how amazing our God is, how faithful He is. I'm sure I was smiling in my sleep. 7 am, I jumped out of bed, took the test, watching, waiting....hum, the + didn't seem to be appearing, well maybe faintly. I couldn't stand it, I left my sleeping hubby & baby and hurried to pick up a couple more tests (the $1 ones, old faithful- thank you very much!). When I got back, the + had appeared on the 2nd test, but I didn't care, I needed 1 more. (When I say I could hardly believe it, it might have been an understatement. ha!) Took the
We told some close friends and family- who told their close friends and family, ha I didn't care- I was so excited I wanted EVERYONE to know!!
I left for Ohio that same Saturday (the 18th) and stayed til the following Friday (the 23rd). I was excited to be home & enjoy the nice weather, still hardly believing, and occasionally forgetting, that I was preggers. Weird right? Anyway, I got home Friday, then that Saturday (stay with me here) we decided it was the perfect day to hike, so we set out for Ijams Nature Center. We had a lot of fun, and great exercise. All morning my back had been achy, and my lower stomach felt weird, almost cramp-like. I needed to go home and rest, but I had one more errand- to Target.
Target. My best friend, and worst nightmare. As I came out of the store I had an odd feeling, I was bleeding. My heart sank. Deep down I knew. Trying so hard to hold back tears, I immediately sent a text to some awesome prayer warriors/friends to pray. This could not happen. This would not happen. Not after 5 long months of trying, not after being so excited, not after so many people had rejoiced with us. Right??
Without going into detail, I miscarried.
Never in my life had I experienced something so emotionally painful. Yet through the pain I had a peace, so deep, completely trusting in God and HIS plan for us. Sure there was the big question, why? Why did this happen? Honestly, I don't care. I simply know this was part of the plan, so, work through it and keep going. Stephen was perfect, so tender, at one point he found me crying on our bed, he hugged me and said the most endearing words ever uttered. "You aren't alone. We are going through this together."
Yes we are. We are! How true, here I had been focusing on me and my disappointment, that I had forgotten that this child was 1/2 of him too. Just because we handle situations differently doesn't mean we aren't affected the same. Those words were the deep breath I needed, the hand to guide me, the bright star in a dark night. Thank you God, so much, for giving me him. :)
So, that's where we are now. Enjoying each other's company, hangin' out with Brynnen- looking forward to prayers that will be answered, resting in HIS perfect peace. :)
The Journey continues....