Monday, March 12, 2012

Adding up the miles, writing down the jouney...

This post is a little personal.  It shows a struggle, a heart ache.  I still cannot believe I'm putting these thoughts into words, let alone blogging for you all to see.  Maybe it's guilt since I haven't blogged in a while, this is what has consumed a good portion of  my thoughts.  I also think there is a sense of release with each key stroke, a freeing that leaves me with an unburdened heart of hope and encouragement.  (It helps that I had several people encouraged me through this as well...)


So, humbling myself, here you go.  Pregnancy.  Or lack there of in this case. 

Stephen and I decided a while ago we would love to have another little Sene running around.  I stopped taking birth control at the end of September, here it is March and I'm not pregnant.  How is that possible?  Five months is way longer than I expected, especially since Brynnen came so soon after our wedding.  There have been so many times I could have sworn I felt something inside.  Everything agreed with me, except the pregnancy test.  I gained a solid pounds 3 lbs (not just a week of bad eating), my stomach rounded out even when I sucked in- more so than normal- haha, I had the craziest cravings (i.e shredded cheese mixed with Italian dressing on crackers, and some of you know about the chocolate peanut butter eggs), I had tenderness and fatigue.  Oh, and I haven't had a period since January 1st!!   Pregnant right??  I could hardly wait take the next test.  Yeah, that's right I didn't just take one, I took one every week or 2 after Feb 1, thinking "oh, it probably just hasn't hit my levels yet, too early".  Ok, that's not the whole truth.  I've taken at least 2 a month since October.  Crazy I know.  You are probably thinking "Should have told us, we would have purchased stock in EPT!" You're right, now you know   ;)  (I use the cheapy ones, so don't really purchase stock in EPT.)

I know everything is God's timing.  Perfect timing, might I add.  However, this past Saturday I promised some of the youth girls I would take another test.  So I was by myself at Target (getting a not-so-cheapy test) when I could no longer stand the anticipation.  The family bathroom there is a friend of ours, and even though I didn't have Brynnen, I wanted the privacy of the enclosure.   L-O-N-G-E-S-T  T-H-R-E-E  M-I-N-U-T-E-S ever.  I didn't watch, I sat there half praying, half preparing myself for the answer I knew was coming.  Man, I sure hoped I was wrong, I hoped I could tell the girls (and Stephen) we would have reason to celebrate, most of all I wanted to know I wasn't crazy with all these symptoms. 

When I couldn't wait any longer, I took a breath, stood up and looked at the test.  Negative.  Never have 2 little lines hurt my heart more in my entire life. Why did this hurt so bad?  Why couldn't I stop these tears down my cheeks.  I know God is in control, and I kept repeating "His timing is perfect, His plan not mine" so why couldn't I put a smile on my face and say "next time?"  Why couldn't I act like it's no big deal, and I truly understand God, and this whole"perfect timing thing"- if it's not His will or time, why do I long for another baby SO bad? 

Kind of ironic.  Last time those little lines messed me up was June 2009, when I found out I was pregnant with Brynnen.  Although, that day was complete opposite- I had big plans for my life, that didn't include kids yet.   What I didn't want then, is what I can't have now.   SN:Please don't think I do not love Brynnen, or do not want her-- oh, I do.  She is our precious, crazy girl who I would NEVER trade, not one second- even on the days she drives me nuts.    

As I left I decided, clearly there is no excuse for this extra weight; maybe stress and inconsistency in my diet played a part in this irregularity and frustration.  So....I made a few purchases to encourage and keep me on track.  :)  Besides, shopping can brighten any day!  Right girls??





I know one day this story will have a happy ending.  It may be simply to draw me closer to God, to allow me to trust fully in Him, especially when I don't understand (Proverbs 3:5-6).  I have several friends who have shared their stories and sweet prayers, giving me peace and comfort knowing this is where I am suppose to be.  Even if I have no idea why.  One day I will.  (And of course I'll probably blog about it).  :)  So until then, you better believe I'll be adding up the miles, and writing down the journey.  Your prayers would be a welcomed blessing.

1 comment:

Susan Sene said...

I've been thinking about you. I remember talked about this when we were up for Brynn's birthday. And believe me, I can relate. I know how frustrating it is to want a child so badly and it not happen. I've felt that way before both my girls. I will keep you in my prayers. In the mean time, keep embracing this sweet time to learn to continue to trust in God and His plan for your life. Love you!!

P.S. This verse is still taped on my mirror in my bathroom. I hope it can encourage you as well..."As for me, I would seek God, and to God would I commit my cause, who does great things and unsearchable, marvelous things without number" - Job 5:8

Also, I just read this the other day...."For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly" Ps 84:11

He will not withold what is for our good from us. And He is good. You know that. :) Sending love and prayers!!