This post is a little personal. It shows a struggle, a heart ache. I still cannot believe I'm putting these thoughts into words, let alone blogging for you all to see. Maybe it's guilt since I haven't blogged in a while, this is what has consumed a good portion of my thoughts. I also think there is a sense of release with each key stroke, a freeing that leaves me with an unburdened heart of hope and encouragement. (It helps that I had several people encouraged me through this as well...)
So, humbling myself, here you go. Pregnancy. Or lack there of in this case.
Stephen and I decided a while ago we would love to have another little Sene running around. I stopped taking birth control at the end of September, here it is March and I'm not pregnant. How is that possible? Five months is way longer than I expected, especially since Brynnen came so soon after our wedding. There have been so many times I could have sworn I felt something inside. Everything agreed with me, except the pregnancy test. I gained a solid pounds 3 lbs (not just a week of bad eating), my stomach rounded out even when I sucked in- more so than normal- haha, I had the craziest cravings (i.e shredded cheese mixed with Italian dressing on crackers, and some of you know about the chocolate peanut butter eggs), I had tenderness and fatigue. Oh, and I haven't had a period since January 1st!! Pregnant right?? I could hardly wait take the next test. Yeah, that's right I didn't just take one, I took one every week or 2 after Feb 1, thinking "oh, it probably just hasn't hit my levels yet, too early". Ok, that's not the whole truth. I've taken at least 2 a month since October. Crazy I know. You are probably thinking "Should have told us, we would have purchased stock in EPT!" You're right, now you know ;) (I use the cheapy ones, so don't really purchase stock in EPT.)
I know everything is God's timing. Perfect timing, might I add. However, this past Saturday I promised some of the youth girls I would take another test. So I was by myself at Target (getting a not-so-cheapy test) when I could no longer stand the anticipation. The family bathroom there is a friend of ours, and even though I didn't have Brynnen, I wanted the privacy of the enclosure. L-O-N-G-E-S-T T-H-R-E-E M-I-N-U-T-E-S ever. I didn't watch, I sat there half praying, half preparing myself for the answer I knew was coming. Man, I sure hoped I was wrong, I hoped I could tell the girls (and Stephen) we would have reason to celebrate, most of all I wanted to know I wasn't crazy with all these symptoms.
When I couldn't wait any longer, I took a breath, stood up and looked at the test. Negative. Never have 2 little lines hurt my heart more in my entire life. Why did this hurt so bad? Why couldn't I stop these tears down my cheeks. I know God is in control, and I kept repeating "His timing is perfect, His plan not mine" so why couldn't I put a smile on my face and say "next time?" Why couldn't I act like it's no big deal, and I truly understand God, and this whole"perfect timing thing"- if it's not His will or time, why do I long for another baby SO bad?
Kind of ironic. Last time those little lines messed me up was June 2009, when I found out I was pregnant with Brynnen. Although, that day was complete opposite- I had big plans for my life, that didn't include kids yet. What I didn't want then, is what I can't have now. SN:Please don't think I do not love Brynnen, or do not want her-- oh, I do. She is our precious, crazy girl who I would NEVER trade, not one second- even on the days she drives me nuts.
As I left I decided, clearly there is no excuse for this extra weight; maybe stress and inconsistency in my diet played a part in this irregularity and frustration. So....I made a few purchases to encourage and keep me on track. :) Besides, shopping can brighten any day! Right girls??
I know one day this story will have a happy ending. It may be simply to draw me closer to God, to allow me to trust fully in Him, especially when I don't understand (Proverbs 3:5-6). I have several friends who have shared their stories and sweet prayers, giving me peace and comfort knowing this is where I am suppose to be. Even if I have no idea why. One day I will. (And of course I'll probably blog about it). :) So until then, you better believe I'll be adding up the miles, and writing down the journey. Your prayers would be a welcomed blessing.