Monday, March 12, 2012

Adding up the miles, writing down the jouney...

This post is a little personal.  It shows a struggle, a heart ache.  I still cannot believe I'm putting these thoughts into words, let alone blogging for you all to see.  Maybe it's guilt since I haven't blogged in a while, this is what has consumed a good portion of  my thoughts.  I also think there is a sense of release with each key stroke, a freeing that leaves me with an unburdened heart of hope and encouragement.  (It helps that I had several people encouraged me through this as well...)

So, humbling myself, here you go.  Pregnancy.  Or lack there of in this case. 

Stephen and I decided a while ago we would love to have another little Sene running around.  I stopped taking birth control at the end of September, here it is March and I'm not pregnant.  How is that possible?  Five months is way longer than I expected, especially since Brynnen came so soon after our wedding.  There have been so many times I could have sworn I felt something inside.  Everything agreed with me, except the pregnancy test.  I gained a solid pounds 3 lbs (not just a week of bad eating), my stomach rounded out even when I sucked in- more so than normal- haha, I had the craziest cravings (i.e shredded cheese mixed with Italian dressing on crackers, and some of you know about the chocolate peanut butter eggs), I had tenderness and fatigue.  Oh, and I haven't had a period since January 1st!!   Pregnant right??  I could hardly wait take the next test.  Yeah, that's right I didn't just take one, I took one every week or 2 after Feb 1, thinking "oh, it probably just hasn't hit my levels yet, too early".  Ok, that's not the whole truth.  I've taken at least 2 a month since October.  Crazy I know.  You are probably thinking "Should have told us, we would have purchased stock in EPT!" You're right, now you know   ;)  (I use the cheapy ones, so don't really purchase stock in EPT.)

I know everything is God's timing.  Perfect timing, might I add.  However, this past Saturday I promised some of the youth girls I would take another test.  So I was by myself at Target (getting a not-so-cheapy test) when I could no longer stand the anticipation.  The family bathroom there is a friend of ours, and even though I didn't have Brynnen, I wanted the privacy of the enclosure.   L-O-N-G-E-S-T  T-H-R-E-E  M-I-N-U-T-E-S ever.  I didn't watch, I sat there half praying, half preparing myself for the answer I knew was coming.  Man, I sure hoped I was wrong, I hoped I could tell the girls (and Stephen) we would have reason to celebrate, most of all I wanted to know I wasn't crazy with all these symptoms. 

When I couldn't wait any longer, I took a breath, stood up and looked at the test.  Negative.  Never have 2 little lines hurt my heart more in my entire life. Why did this hurt so bad?  Why couldn't I stop these tears down my cheeks.  I know God is in control, and I kept repeating "His timing is perfect, His plan not mine" so why couldn't I put a smile on my face and say "next time?"  Why couldn't I act like it's no big deal, and I truly understand God, and this whole"perfect timing thing"- if it's not His will or time, why do I long for another baby SO bad? 

Kind of ironic.  Last time those little lines messed me up was June 2009, when I found out I was pregnant with Brynnen.  Although, that day was complete opposite- I had big plans for my life, that didn't include kids yet.   What I didn't want then, is what I can't have now.   SN:Please don't think I do not love Brynnen, or do not want her-- oh, I do.  She is our precious, crazy girl who I would NEVER trade, not one second- even on the days she drives me nuts.    

As I left I decided, clearly there is no excuse for this extra weight; maybe stress and inconsistency in my diet played a part in this irregularity and frustration.  So....I made a few purchases to encourage and keep me on track.  :)  Besides, shopping can brighten any day!  Right girls??

I know one day this story will have a happy ending.  It may be simply to draw me closer to God, to allow me to trust fully in Him, especially when I don't understand (Proverbs 3:5-6).  I have several friends who have shared their stories and sweet prayers, giving me peace and comfort knowing this is where I am suppose to be.  Even if I have no idea why.  One day I will.  (And of course I'll probably blog about it).  :)  So until then, you better believe I'll be adding up the miles, and writing down the journey.  Your prayers would be a welcomed blessing.