New Post. {So original, I know}

I am calling this "New Post"- because I have no clue where it is going.  I have to write it, but I don't want to.  Has that ever happened to you??  You feel Holy Spirit prompting you, but it makes you extremely uncomfortable- and the prompting isn't loud (yet), so you ignore it.  You let your human nature talk you out of it.  Thoughts like "that is silly, it probably isn't really the Holy Spirit/God, what will people think, I am embarrassed, no thanks...," is that at all familiar??  No? Just me? Awesome.

That is where I am.  After SO long of ignoring it, here goes.

Stephen and I are separated.  Gosh typing that out brings this pain in the pit of my stomach, a lump in my throat and tears to my eyes.  My mind is in a constant "why did this happen, HOW did this happen and when did it get to this? Like, for real- what the heck??" I didn't want anyone to know.  I really wanted it to all be worked out, fixed quickly, so we could get back to our life, but it isn't.  Fortunately, I am not willing to air all of our dirty laundry as to the details- all I can say is WE ARE ALL HUMAN.  We all make choices, many throughout the day that lead to additional choices throughout the weeks, months and years of our lives.  Regardless of age, job, degree, maturity level in life, at some point we all will make some terrible choices.  Those choices affect others, whether it is intentional or not.

So, right now, Stephen and I cannot be together.

I want so bad to share my side of this story- but, again, I know that is not the point of this.  Almost like I am trying to make it ok, so everyone will understand and say "Oh, ok- well since I know all of the pieces, it makes sense.  You are not a failure, Kari.  It will be ok, Kari.  We accept you, Kari. "  Honestly, isn't that what all of us want as humans? To be successful, to be accepted.  To be anything except rejected.  I guess that is why I am just now able to share this.  It has been over a year since our separation, and God has held me, comforted me, reminded me that my identity remains in HIM.  Not a failed marriage, not a failed mission, not in a broken body (and lots of extra weight :'''(  ), only in HIM.  He has mended my heart enough & dispelled the shame so that I can bring to light the situation that often holds me paralyzed in life right now.

God has been so faithful.  Through the hurt, pain, bitterness, the unanswered questions, forgiveness and everything else life has "thrown in"...he has shown me that he truly is my comfort. {2 Corinthians 1:3-5}  It was easy for me to see God as a father, because I have a great father- that attribute is easy for me to relate to.  I had a hard time believing a invisible being could actually comfort me.  I mean, I like hugs...and talking.  Enough said.  But God, rich in mercy, showed me comfort.  It obviously wasn't tangible, like a hug- it came in the form of peace, in feeling secure when my world was crashing down and I couldn't even breathe.  It is feeling joy when this situation is far from that.  It's kind of like the wind, you can't describe it to someone, you don't see it coming- but you feel it, and you can see the impact around you.    I am so grateful for that continued comfort.

The other day I had a revelation, an analogy.  I was (literally) crying, complaining and mad that God hasn't "fixed" all of this-I mean, come on, it has been a year!  In that moment I heard "it's not ready yet..."  All at once, I pictured the cornfields that surround my dad's house, 3 of the 4 sides have corn planted this year.  Anyway, I heard (in my head), "it's no secret, that corn is not ready yet.  All of the farmers know it.  They know if that corn is picked before it is ready, it is useless, and would be wasted.  They know they have to wait until it is ready, and then it will be useful, and good.  It will also be used to grow even more corn.  It isn't ready yet.  They know it isn't ready."    Humm, ok.   That brought some peace and hope.  It still doesn't mean that everything will turn out how I want it to.  But I am learning to trust God with ALL OF ME.  Trust that even in this mess, he sees me.  He knows the situation, and he has a plan.  He is the ultimate redeemer, EVEN IF it isn't how I expect to be redeemed.  EVEN IF my marriage completely fails.  EVEN IF I never get to minister in Colombia again.  EVEN IF it takes longer than ever thought possible. I can trust HIM.

Life is hard, anyone who acts like it isn't- run away from them.  The bible is so clear about the hard times and trouble that we will have in this life.  The heartache that affects every person on this planet.  We will all be disappointed, mistreated, overlooked, underappreciated---we all go through these, we all have a choice on how we respond.  Emotions are not the problem, the problem is when we let them dictate our life.  We can be angry/upset about a situation, but we cannot stay that way.  A friend often said "we cannot unpack and live there".



Well, that's out.  Whew.  It is no longer something that can be used (in my own mind) against me, bringing fear, shame and insecurity of what others will think.  It's amazing how freeing it feels to get "it" out and move along.  Maybe that's why God calls us to confess our sin & grievance to each other, and to walk together through it.  OVERCOME IT.  (Even though that can look a lot different than you expect).  How is God calling you to connect with him, and with others right now???  Don't miss out on that freedom.  I am here if you need an ear, or prayer!  :)



SN:

I am going to start blogging again-- even if it is SOOOOO 2015.  God is growing me so much, and I have to share.  I won't always advertise when I have something new up.