This was written a few weeks ago, I just didn't know if I was going to share it...
I went to Anderson (Indiana) to show respect for my grandmother, Corky, who died recently. I wasn't really close with her and hadn't spent time with her since Thanksgiving when I was 16 years old. She didn't care for my mother and treated her badly for as long as I can remember...and what I can't remember I have heard stories. It is heartbreaking. I can't imagine having a mother who didn't love me, who could never be pleased with me and didn't want me around. I recently found out Corky had also been treated the same way by her mother. It seemed to be passed down the generations. {{If that is your story, from the inner most parts of me, I AM SORRY}}
We went to a small dinner called the Lemon Drop- my grandmother had worked there back in the day. It was a favorite of my moms and she wanted to reminisce. We talked about their relationship or lack of one, and a few tears were shed. As we were sitting there, I told my mom I was so thankful she didn't treat me that same way. Her and I have a great relationship, she is my best friend. It wasn't always like that, we went through a hard time when my parents divorced and then more recently when our lives were on different paths.
I asked her if she thought our relationship would have been similar if her and dad didn't divorce, if she would have lived in the same house with me growing up. Would she have treated me badly if my parents stayed married? Or would I have a great relationship with her like I do now?
I grew up super awkward, dressing in whatever my dad would buy, and definitely fitting in with boys rather than girls. I had to struggle with make up, hair and even girly hygiene ...which was awful. lol Eventually it turned out okay. I figured out my own style and a flat iron...the makeup...well, I never figured that out. :) My mom and I had some rough years, I had some resentment for all of that I just mentioned. As if my life would have been so much better if I had my mom there to do my hair and help me navigate bras, periods, boys, friends and just every little thing. {{Then I remembered I actually had a great childhood. We all have awkwardness and at some point we realize we are stronger and smarter than we believe}}.
But, what if all of that pain, struggle and chaos of growing up without my mother had a purpose?
Isn't that one thing we struggle through this side of heaven? What is the purpose? There has to be a purpose. God wouldn't allow us pain without a silver lining. Right? I figured divorce doesn't have a purpose. It is destructive and God hates it. {{PS there are a lot of things God hates, but for some reason we as Christians really hone in on that in particular}} I had never really thought about the purpose of my parents divorce. Just chalked it up to sucky. It sucked, but a lot of things in life do.
As I sat there listening, hating that she had to endure the lack of love...a revelation came to me.
What if her leaving, as hard as that was, is the only thing that actually stopped that generational mess. If she stayed would she have started down that same path of mistreatment and projecting onto me that same way??? What if the very thing I had allowed to drive a wedge was actually the catalyst to change the trajectory of our family? {{I am sure some of you are scoffing...as if. Divorce is no good, and God can never use that to change people or lives for better. To that I say, why don't you let God worry about the catalyst he uses, and focus on what he is doing in your life.}}
I could go on about several things that don't make sense about the divorce (personalities, character traits, etc), but it doesn't matter. I do know that the lack of love ended with my mom and her mom. She doesn't treat me that way and I in turn treat Brynnen with love and kindness. I can't image it any other way. This, I will forever attribute to God breaking those chains, that mess- and if he allowed divorce to do that, well that's ok, too. It gives purpose to my pain. AND my parents have recently reconciled, not as husband and wife, but as friends- learning to give and receive grace; to ask forgiveness, to grant it and to allow God to mend brokenness.
