This was written a few weeks ago, I just didn't know if I was going to share it...
I went to Anderson (Indiana) to show respect for my grandmother, Corky, who died recently. I wasn't really close with her and hadn't spent time with her since Thanksgiving when I was 16 years old. She didn't care for my mother and treated her badly for as long as I can remember...and what I can't remember I have heard stories. It is heartbreaking. I can't imagine having a mother who didn't love me, who could never be pleased with me and didn't want me around. I recently found out Corky had also been treated the same way by her mother. It seemed to be passed down the generations. {{If that is your story, from the inner most parts of me, I AM SORRY}}
We went to a small dinner called the Lemon Drop- my grandmother had worked there back in the day. It was a favorite of my moms and she wanted to reminisce. We talked about their relationship or lack of one, and a few tears were shed. As we were sitting there, I told my mom I was so thankful she didn't treat me that same way. Her and I have a great relationship, she is my best friend. It wasn't always like that, we went through a hard time when my parents divorced and then more recently when our lives were on different paths.
I asked her if she thought our relationship would have been similar if her and dad didn't divorce, if she would have lived in the same house with me growing up. Would she have treated me badly if my parents stayed married? Or would I have a great relationship with her like I do now?
I grew up super awkward, dressing in whatever my dad would buy, and definitely fitting in with boys rather than girls. I had to struggle with make up, hair and even girly hygiene ...which was awful. lol Eventually it turned out okay. I figured out my own style and a flat iron...the makeup...well, I never figured that out. :) My mom and I had some rough years, I had some resentment for all of that I just mentioned. As if my life would have been so much better if I had my mom there to do my hair and help me navigate bras, periods, boys, friends and just every little thing. {{Then I remembered I actually had a great childhood. We all have awkwardness and at some point we realize we are stronger and smarter than we believe}}.
But, what if all of that pain, struggle and chaos of growing up without my mother had a purpose?
Isn't that one thing we struggle through this side of heaven? What is the purpose? There has to be a purpose. God wouldn't allow us pain without a silver lining. Right? I figured divorce doesn't have a purpose. It is destructive and God hates it. {{PS there are a lot of things God hates, but for some reason we as Christians really hone in on that in particular}} I had never really thought about the purpose of my parents divorce. Just chalked it up to sucky. It sucked, but a lot of things in life do.
As I sat there listening, hating that she had to endure the lack of love...a revelation came to me.
What if her leaving, as hard as that was, is the only thing that actually stopped that generational mess. If she stayed would she have started down that same path of mistreatment and projecting onto me that same way??? What if the very thing I had allowed to drive a wedge was actually the catalyst to change the trajectory of our family? {{I am sure some of you are scoffing...as if. Divorce is no good, and God can never use that to change people or lives for better. To that I say, why don't you let God worry about the catalyst he uses, and focus on what he is doing in your life.}}
I could go on about several things that don't make sense about the divorce (personalities, character traits, etc), but it doesn't matter. I do know that the lack of love ended with my mom and her mom. She doesn't treat me that way and I in turn treat Brynnen with love and kindness. I can't image it any other way. This, I will forever attribute to God breaking those chains, that mess- and if he allowed divorce to do that, well that's ok, too. It gives purpose to my pain. AND my parents have recently reconciled, not as husband and wife, but as friends- learning to give and receive grace; to ask forgiveness, to grant it and to allow God to mend brokenness.
Thursday, October 31, 2019
Wednesday, August 14, 2019
New Post. {So original, I know}
I am calling this "New Post"- because I have no clue where it is going. I have to write it, but I don't want to. Has that ever happened to you?? You feel Holy Spirit prompting you, but it makes you extremely uncomfortable- and the prompting isn't loud (yet), so you ignore it. You let your human nature talk you out of it. Thoughts like "that is silly, it probably isn't really the Holy Spirit/God, what will people think, I am embarrassed, no thanks...," is that at all familiar?? No? Just me? Awesome.
That is where I am. After SO long of ignoring it, here goes.
Stephen and I are separated. Gosh typing that out brings this pain in the pit of my stomach, a lump in my throat and tears to my eyes. My mind is in a constant "why did this happen, HOW did this happen and when did it get to this? Like, for real- what the heck??" I didn't want anyone to know. I really wanted it to all be worked out, fixed quickly, so we could get back to our life, but it isn't. Fortunately, I am not willing to air all of our dirty laundry as to the details- all I can say is WE ARE ALL HUMAN. We all make choices, many throughout the day that lead to additional choices throughout the weeks, months and years of our lives. Regardless of age, job, degree, maturity level in life, at some point we all will make some terrible choices. Those choices affect others, whether it is intentional or not.
So, right now, Stephen and I cannot be together.
I want so bad to share my side of this story- but, again, I know that is not the point of this. Almost like I am trying to make it ok, so everyone will understand and say "Oh, ok- well since I know all of the pieces, it makes sense. You are not a failure, Kari. It will be ok, Kari. We accept you, Kari. " Honestly, isn't that what all of us want as humans? To be successful, to be accepted. To be anything except rejected. I guess that is why I am just now able to share this. It has been over a year since our separation, and God has held me, comforted me, reminded me that my identity remains in HIM. Not a failed marriage, not a failed mission, not in a broken body (and lots of extra weight :'''( ), only in HIM. He has mended my heart enough & dispelled the shame so that I can bring to light the situation that often holds me paralyzed in life right now.
God has been so faithful. Through the hurt, pain, bitterness, the unanswered questions, forgiveness and everything else life has "thrown in"...he has shown me that he truly is my comfort. {2 Corinthians 1:3-5} It was easy for me to see God as a father, because I have a great father- that attribute is easy for me to relate to. I had a hard time believing a invisible being could actually comfort me. I mean, I like hugs...and talking. Enough said. But God, rich in mercy, showed me comfort. It obviously wasn't tangible, like a hug- it came in the form of peace, in feeling secure when my world was crashing down and I couldn't even breathe. It is feeling joy when this situation is far from that. It's kind of like the wind, you can't describe it to someone, you don't see it coming- but you feel it, and you can see the impact around you. I am so grateful for that continued comfort.
The other day I had a revelation, an analogy. I was (literally) crying, complaining and mad that God hasn't "fixed" all of this-I mean, come on, it has been a year! In that moment I heard "it's not ready yet..." All at once, I pictured the cornfields that surround my dad's house, 3 of the 4 sides have corn planted this year. Anyway, I heard (in my head), "it's no secret, that corn is not ready yet. All of the farmers know it. They know if that corn is picked before it is ready, it is useless, and would be wasted. They know they have to wait until it is ready, and then it will be useful, and good. It will also be used to grow even more corn. It isn't ready yet. They know it isn't ready." Humm, ok. That brought some peace and hope. It still doesn't mean that everything will turn out how I want it to. But I am learning to trust God with ALL OF ME. Trust that even in this mess, he sees me. He knows the situation, and he has a plan. He is the ultimate redeemer, EVEN IF it isn't how I expect to be redeemed. EVEN IF my marriage completely fails. EVEN IF I never get to minister in Colombia again. EVEN IF it takes longer than ever thought possible. I can trust HIM.
Life is hard, anyone who acts like it isn't- run away from them. The bible is so clear about the hard times and trouble that we will have in this life. The heartache that affects every person on this planet. We will all be disappointed, mistreated, overlooked, underappreciated---we all go through these, we all have a choice on how we respond. Emotions are not the problem, the problem is when we let them dictate our life. We can be angry/upset about a situation, but we cannot stay that way. A friend often said "we cannot unpack and live there".
Well, that's out. Whew. It is no longer something that can be used (in my own mind) against me, bringing fear, shame and insecurity of what others will think. It's amazing how freeing it feels to get "it" out and move along. Maybe that's why God calls us to confess our sin & grievance to each other, and to walk together through it. OVERCOME IT. (Even though that can look a lot different than you expect). How is God calling you to connect with him, and with others right now??? Don't miss out on that freedom. I am here if you need an ear, or prayer! :)
SN:
I am going to start blogging again-- even if it is SOOOOO 2015. God is growing me so much, and I have to share. I won't always advertise when I have something new up.
That is where I am. After SO long of ignoring it, here goes.
Stephen and I are separated. Gosh typing that out brings this pain in the pit of my stomach, a lump in my throat and tears to my eyes. My mind is in a constant "why did this happen, HOW did this happen and when did it get to this? Like, for real- what the heck??" I didn't want anyone to know. I really wanted it to all be worked out, fixed quickly, so we could get back to our life, but it isn't. Fortunately, I am not willing to air all of our dirty laundry as to the details- all I can say is WE ARE ALL HUMAN. We all make choices, many throughout the day that lead to additional choices throughout the weeks, months and years of our lives. Regardless of age, job, degree, maturity level in life, at some point we all will make some terrible choices. Those choices affect others, whether it is intentional or not.
So, right now, Stephen and I cannot be together.
I want so bad to share my side of this story- but, again, I know that is not the point of this. Almost like I am trying to make it ok, so everyone will understand and say "Oh, ok- well since I know all of the pieces, it makes sense. You are not a failure, Kari. It will be ok, Kari. We accept you, Kari. " Honestly, isn't that what all of us want as humans? To be successful, to be accepted. To be anything except rejected. I guess that is why I am just now able to share this. It has been over a year since our separation, and God has held me, comforted me, reminded me that my identity remains in HIM. Not a failed marriage, not a failed mission, not in a broken body (and lots of extra weight :'''( ), only in HIM. He has mended my heart enough & dispelled the shame so that I can bring to light the situation that often holds me paralyzed in life right now.
God has been so faithful. Through the hurt, pain, bitterness, the unanswered questions, forgiveness and everything else life has "thrown in"...he has shown me that he truly is my comfort. {2 Corinthians 1:3-5} It was easy for me to see God as a father, because I have a great father- that attribute is easy for me to relate to. I had a hard time believing a invisible being could actually comfort me. I mean, I like hugs...and talking. Enough said. But God, rich in mercy, showed me comfort. It obviously wasn't tangible, like a hug- it came in the form of peace, in feeling secure when my world was crashing down and I couldn't even breathe. It is feeling joy when this situation is far from that. It's kind of like the wind, you can't describe it to someone, you don't see it coming- but you feel it, and you can see the impact around you. I am so grateful for that continued comfort.
The other day I had a revelation, an analogy. I was (literally) crying, complaining and mad that God hasn't "fixed" all of this-I mean, come on, it has been a year! In that moment I heard "it's not ready yet..." All at once, I pictured the cornfields that surround my dad's house, 3 of the 4 sides have corn planted this year. Anyway, I heard (in my head), "it's no secret, that corn is not ready yet. All of the farmers know it. They know if that corn is picked before it is ready, it is useless, and would be wasted. They know they have to wait until it is ready, and then it will be useful, and good. It will also be used to grow even more corn. It isn't ready yet. They know it isn't ready." Humm, ok. That brought some peace and hope. It still doesn't mean that everything will turn out how I want it to. But I am learning to trust God with ALL OF ME. Trust that even in this mess, he sees me. He knows the situation, and he has a plan. He is the ultimate redeemer, EVEN IF it isn't how I expect to be redeemed. EVEN IF my marriage completely fails. EVEN IF I never get to minister in Colombia again. EVEN IF it takes longer than ever thought possible. I can trust HIM.
Life is hard, anyone who acts like it isn't- run away from them. The bible is so clear about the hard times and trouble that we will have in this life. The heartache that affects every person on this planet. We will all be disappointed, mistreated, overlooked, underappreciated---we all go through these, we all have a choice on how we respond. Emotions are not the problem, the problem is when we let them dictate our life. We can be angry/upset about a situation, but we cannot stay that way. A friend often said "we cannot unpack and live there".
Well, that's out. Whew. It is no longer something that can be used (in my own mind) against me, bringing fear, shame and insecurity of what others will think. It's amazing how freeing it feels to get "it" out and move along. Maybe that's why God calls us to confess our sin & grievance to each other, and to walk together through it. OVERCOME IT. (Even though that can look a lot different than you expect). How is God calling you to connect with him, and with others right now??? Don't miss out on that freedom. I am here if you need an ear, or prayer! :)
SN:
I am going to start blogging again-- even if it is SOOOOO 2015. God is growing me so much, and I have to share. I won't always advertise when I have something new up.
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